Shame RX: Divorce is not the unforgivable sin.
Matthew 5:32
“But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Sitting in the church pew alone, I looked around at seemingly happy couples, wondering if they really were. The feeling of isolation suffocated me as I felt as if I were wearing a scarlet letter I could never be rid of.
The loneliness in the aftermath of separation and divorce consumed me as suddenly people did not know how to relate to me. And so I would go to church and I would go up and weep at the altar. Again and again.
I was one of them now. I bore the shame of a divorce but not the regret. I knew in my situation that it was best, but still there was this sense that it could not be forgiven. Not by man, and not by God, because He hates divorce. And everyone had the scriptures to prove it.
But God. Our God is loving. Yes, He hates divorce, but He also hates abuse. And He makes a way out for those who find themselves in harsh, abusive situations.
For a long time I could not forgive myself for the divorce. God hates divorce. And then, God hates all sin. It hurts God’s people. His hatred of divorce did not mean that He does not forgive it. There are painful consequences for divorce and we should not take it lightly.
Shame stifles our existence after a divorce, like we are a second class citizen. The truth is, all sin falls short of the glory of God and there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Not even for divorce.
If you have also wondered if remarrying was an unpardonable sin, reading this commentary on the verse above will bring some peace, I believe.
Forgive yourself, friend. If you have repented for your part, God already has.
Shame Off You, friends!
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I’ll admit that I did not read all the commentaries, but after reading many, it seemed they indicated that both the divorce and remarrying were sinful except in the case of adultry. And maybe the definition of adultry can be examined, but it would seem then, that if you do divorce, it is better not to remarry? Please don’t think I am asking this to place judgement or shame. It is an honest question as I find myself in a place I never expected. I feel strongly that God did not create me for the institution of marriage, but marriage for us. Kind of like the Sabbath day. Even David ran away and hid from Saul while under the command to obey leaders. He didn’t stay vulnerable and wait for God to protect him yet he did not disrespect God nor Saul. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Christine,
This is one of those questions that, as you said, commentaries and great biblical scholars can disagree. The position I take, quoted from The Gospel of Christ website is, “if your spouse commits fornication (and you do not) and you divorce your spouse because of his/her fornication, not only do you not commit adultery by getting remarried (assuming you marry someone who is scripturally a candidate for marriage), but you are not held accountable/liable if the person you divorce remarries and, therefore, contracts an adulterous marriage.” This is reiterated in multiple commentaries. Perhaps this statement on the Grace to You website states it clearly: “You divorce for anything less than fornication or adultery and you create adulterers.” The exception clause in Scripture is God’s grace in situations we did not create.
One final quote from the Grace to You website: “Jesus never advocates divorce, He only admits there are times when it doesn’t lead to adultery, that’s all. He hates it all the time. But there are times when it doesn’t lead to adultery. There are times when you’re the innocent party in a divorce and you’ve tried every way you can to reconcile, every way you can to redeem and forgive and put it together, and it just doesn’t happen. And then you’re free, and if you remarry again it won’t be adultery. So the Bible recognizes it’ll happen. And when it does, those who remarry, which is inevitable, will commit adultery unless sex sin was the cause. So Jesus sets the record straight. God still hates divorce. His ideal is still monogamous, lifelong marriage, and divorce only brings adultery apart from the cause of fornication.”
Historically speaking, women were dependent upon their husbands to survive. When they were casually divorced, they were put in a situation of perpetually committing adultery if they remarried and no fornication (porneia) had occurred in the prior union. But God is gracious when women are in a marriage where their spouse is unfaithful. He is a good God. I hope this helps. I understand there are different opinions. One day in Heaven we will all see perfectly. For now, we study God’s word diligently and pray that we are rightly dividing His Word.
Below are some links to read the full articles. I hope this helps.
https://www.gty.org/library/sermons-library/2220/divorce-and-remarriage-part-3
https://carm.org/does-matthew-5-32-and-19-9-permit-divorce-and-remarriage
https://thegospelofchrist.com/knowledge-base/tgoc–en2y7
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/matthew/5-32.htm
https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/commentaries/IVP-NT/Matt/Do-Not-Betray-Your-Spouse