We’ve spent August talking about relationships. Grace at home. Healthy friendships. Relationships within the church. But how do we relate when love is not returned?
But there’s one uncomfortable reality we haven’t addressed:
What happens when you’re trying to do relationships God’s way…and the other person isn’t?
You forgive, but they remain offended.
You reach out, but they don’t respond.
You stop competing, but they don’t.
You pursue peace, but they prefer conflict.
You love—and your love isn’t returned.
The Test of Our Love
This is where biblical love gets tested.
And then Romans 12:18 gives you an important theological guardrail:
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
I love the realism of that verse. Scripture doesn’t promise that every relationship can be repaired. Reconciliation requires two willing people; faithfulness requires only one.
Reconciliation takes two. Faithfulness doesn’t.
It is relatively easy to love people who love us well. Jesus said as much:
“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same” (Matthew 5:46)?
Ouch. Jesus raises the standard of love far beyond reciprocity.
The world says, “Treat people the way they treat you.”
Jesus says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).
That’s a radically different way of relating to people. And it requires both a thick skin and a soft heart.
When Their Response Becomes Our Response
One of the greatest temptations in difficult relationships is letting someone else’s behavior determine ours.
They withdraw, so we withdraw.
They criticize, so we criticize.
They gossip, so we tell our side of the story.
They stop reaching out, so we stop reaching out.
They hurt us, so we decide they no longer deserve our kindness.
Without realizing it, we have allowed someone else’s behavior to disciple ours.
But Scripture calls us to something higher.
Romans 12:17 says:
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes.”
And just a few verses later:
“Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good” (Romans 12:21).
Notice that Paul doesn’t tell us to pretend evil isn’t evil.
He doesn’t ask us to ignore wrongdoing, eliminate wise boundaries, or remain in abusive or unsafe situations.
He tells us not to let evil conquer us.
In other words:
Don’t let what someone did to you determine who you become.
That’s the battle.
Love Does Not Mean Every Relationship Will Be Restored
Sometimes we assume that if we love biblically, every broken relationship will eventually be reconciled.
Scripture is more realistic than that.
The verse at the beginning of this newsletter shows how hard relationships are in a fallen world.
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).
I love the honesty of those words.
If possible.
As far as it depends on you.
There are parts of reconciliation that depend on us—and parts that don’t.
We can apologize, forgive, pursue peace, speak truth, refuse retaliation, and pray.
We can keep our hearts free from bitterness. But we cannot make another person repent, forgive, reconcile, understand, or love us well.
Reconciliation takes two. Faithfulness doesn’t. Our responsibility is not to control the outcome. Our responsibility is to faithfully represent Christ.
5 Biblical Truths for When Love Isn’t Returned
1. Remember How Christ Loved You
“But God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
Jesus did not wait for us to become lovable before He loved us.
The gospel reminds us that we are not merely people trying to manufacture enough grace for difficult relationships. We are recipients of extraordinary grace.
We love from the love we have already received. When loving someone feels impossible, return to the cross.
2. Do What Depends on You
You cannot carry both sides of a relationship.
Sometimes we exhaust ourselves trying to fix something that requires another person’s participation.
Ask yourself: Have I done what God is asking of me?
Not: Have I gotten the outcome I wanted?
Those are very different questions.
You can pursue peace without being able to produce it.
Faithfulness is measured by obedience, not by another person’s response.
3. Refuse Retaliation
“Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath” (Romans 12:19).
Our flesh loves repayment. Maybe we would never openly retaliate, but retaliation has subtle forms.
The silent treatment.
The cold shoulder.
Retelling the offense.
Withholding kindness.
Making sure other people know what happened.
Secretly hoping the person experiences what they put us through.
But when we surrender our right to retaliate, we are not saying the offense didn’t matter.
We are saying God can be trusted with justice.
4. Pray Instead of Rehearsing
Jesus tells us to pray for those who mistreat us (Matthew 5:44).
That may be one of the hardest commands in Scripture. But prayer changes what rehearsing never will.
Rehearsing keeps the wound before us.
Prayer brings the wound before God.
Rehearsing magnifies the offender.
Prayer magnifies God.
And sometimes the first prayer isn’t, “Lord, bless them.”
Sometimes it is simply:
“Lord, help me want what You want for them.”
That’s a beginning.
5. Entrust the Outcome to God
Peter tells us something remarkable about Jesus:
“When he was insulted, he did not insult in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten but entrusted himself to the one who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).
Jesus knew what it was like to love without being loved in return.
He was misunderstood. Rejected. Betrayed. Abandoned. Falsely accused. Mocked. Crucified.
Yet He refused to allow the behavior of others to determine His character.
He entrusted Himself to the Father. We can too.
Relationship Reset
Perhaps the most important relationship question we can ask isn’t:
“Why aren’t they loving me better?”
Maybe it’s:
“Am I allowing their failure to love me well to become an excuse for me not to love well?”
This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse.
It doesn’t mean eliminating boundaries.
It doesn’t mean pretending sin doesn’t matter.
And forgiveness does not automatically mean restored trust or renewed access to your life.
It means refusing to let someone else’s sin reproduce itself in you.
This week, ask God:
- Is there someone whose behavior has begun to determine mine?
- Am I rehearsing an offense that I need to bring before God?
- Have I done what depends on me to pursue peace?
- Am I trying to control an outcome that belongs to God?
- What would loving like Jesus look like in this relationship?
You may not be able to change the relationship. You may not be able to change the other person.
But by the grace of God, you can refuse to let what they did change who you are becoming in Christ.
You can’t control how others love you. But you can refuse to let their response determine how you love.
And perhaps that’s one of the greatest evidences of a renewed mind and a transformed heart.
The goal of healthy relationships isn’t getting everyone to treat us like Jesus would. It’s becoming more like Jesus in the way we treat them.
Prayer:
Lord, thank You for loving me with a love that is not dependent on my performance or response. When love is not returned, help me resist the temptation to become bitter, defensive, or hardened. Give me the grace to do what depends on me, the wisdom to know when boundaries are needed, and the faith to entrust what I cannot change to You. Keep my heart soft and my eyes fixed on Your glory rather than my vindication. May the way I respond to difficult relationships reflect the love of Christ and make me more like Him. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Visit the Shame Rx Blog for this week’s post, When Rejection Feels Personal
All for Jesus,
Denise