There are some conversations I would rather clean a toilet than have.
There. I said it. Finding the courage to have hard conversations is akin to a form of punishment.
We live in an increasingly polarized society that divides us more than it unites us but we must fight (in a good way) to relate biblically, or the world won’t be reached.
The answer to out relational struggles is not tolerance or avoidance. It is learning how to relate biblically through the mind of Christ.
Give me a difficult project, a looming deadline, or a problem I can solve, and I’m in. But tell me I need to sit across from someone I care about and say something that might disappoint them, hurt their feelings, or create tension?
Suddenly, cleaning the toilet doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe you can relate.
Last week, we talked about grit and grace—the strength and tenderness we need to cultivate healthy relationships. This week, we’re going to put both of them to work.
Because relationships sometimes require hard conversations. And often, the hardest part isn’t knowing what needs to be said. It’s finding the courage to say it…in a way that is edifying and God-glorifying, stripped of self and humble like Jesus.
Fear creeps in…
What if they get angry or misunderstand me?
What if they reject me or it changes our relationship?
So we wait. We rehearse the conversation in our heads. We talk ourselves out of it. We tell ourselves we’re keeping the peace.
But sometimes what looks like peace is actually fear wearing a very respectable disguise.
When Avoidance Masquerades as Love
Most of us don’t wake up thinking, I’d like to avoid biblical obedience today. I’d like to relate to others in a harsh way. Our reasoning sounds much nicer.
I don’t want to hurt their feelings. This probably isn’t a big enough deal.
Maybe they’ll figure it out. I don’t want to make things awkward.
I just want to extend grace.
Those motivations can sometimes be legitimate. Scripture certainly doesn’t require us to confront every irritation or express every opinion. Love covers many offenses (1 Peter 4:8), and wisdom knows when to overlook something.
But there are other times when silence isn’t grace. It’s fear. And what we refuse to address doesn’t always disappear. Sometimes it grows.
Resentment builds. Assumptions multiply. Distance develops. A small misunderstanding becomes a much larger wound because nobody was willing to step into the uncomfortable space where truth could be spoken.
A lot of relational problems don’t begin because someone said the wrong thing. They grow because no one was willing to say the necessary thing.
Biblical Love Has a Voice
Paul gives us a beautiful picture of relational maturity:
“But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15, CSB)
Notice that Paul doesn’t ask us to choose between truth and love.
We need both.
Truth without love can become harsh.
Love without truth can become enabling.
But truth in love produces growth.
That means sometimes the loving thing is the difficult thing.
Sometimes love says: “Can we talk about what happened?” It won’t necessarily be easy sentences. But love isn’t measured merely by how comfortable we make people feel. Sometimes love comforts. Sometimes love confronts. Christlike love knows the difference.
Open Rebuke or Hidden Love?
Proverbs gives us a startling comparison: “Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive” (Proverbs 27:5–6, CSB).
At first glance, wounds of a friend don’t sound particularly encouraging.
But the point isn’t that friends should wound each other carelessly. It’s that genuine love is willing to risk discomfort for another person’s good.
A faithful friend doesn’t tell us only what we want to hear. And sometimes withholding something someone genuinely needs to hear isn’t kindness at all.
Love cares more about someone’s good than about preserving its own comfort.
That’s grit.
But how we deliver that truth matters just as much.
That’s grace.
Before the Conversation, Have Another One
Before we have a difficult conversation with another person, perhaps we need to have one with God. Because even when the issue is legitimate, our motives can become tangled.
We may enter the conversation saying we want resolution when what we really want is vindication. We may say we’re speaking truth when we’re actually unloading frustration.
We may want the other person to understand what they did—but secretly want them to hurt a little because they hurt us. That’s why one of the most important parts of a difficult conversation happens before we ever open our mouths.
Ask God to help sift through motivations:
Am I trying to prove I’m right? Am I trying to punish them? Am I trying to protect my image? Am I trying to control their response? Or am I genuinely seeking their good and, where possible, restoration?
This is where removing ourselves from the center changes everything. The goal isn’t: How can I make them see this my way? The better question is: How can I honor Christ in this conversation? That changes our tone. Our timing. And our words. And even our willingness to listen.
Jesus Gives Us a Goal: Restoration
Jesus gives specific instruction about addressing sin between believers:
“If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.” (Matthew 18:15, CSB)
That last phrase matters. “You have won your brother.”
The goal isn’t winning the argument. It’s winning the brother or sister. That’s an entirely different definition of success.
Jesus doesn’t begin with public exposure. He begins privately. Person to person. Relationship to relationship. With restoration as the goal.
Of course, Matthew 18 addresses sin within the community of believers, and not every difficult relational situation fits that precise process. Nor does Scripture require private confrontation when abuse, danger, criminal conduct, or other circumstances require outside help or intervention.
But the relational principle is powerful: When possible and appropriate, go to the person—not around the person. How many relational wounds might be prevented if we practiced that?
Grit Gets Us There. Grace Shapes What Happens Next.
This is where last week’s grit and grace become very practical.
Grit says: I won’t run simply because this is uncomfortable.
Grace says: I won’t use this conversation to punish you.
Grit says: The truth matters.
Grace says: So do you.
Grit says: This needs to be addressed.
Grace says: Let’s address it in a way that honors Christ.
That’s the sweet spot.
We need enough grit to enter the conversation and enough grace to keep our hearts soft while we’re there.
What If They Don’t Respond Well?
This may be the fear beneath all the others.
What if we do everything right—and they still become angry?
What if they reject what we say?
What if they misunderstand our motives?
What if they walk away?
Here’s where relational courage becomes faith.
We are responsible for our faithfulness, not another person’s response. Romans 12:18 gives us an important boundary:
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, CSB)
As far as it depends on you.
You can choose your words carefully, examine your motives, speak gently, listen humbly, apologize for what belongs to you. You can pursue peace.
But you cannot control another person’s response. And trying to do so isn’t love. It’s control.
Courage tells the truth in love and then trusts God with what happens next.
5 Ways to Approach a Hard Conversation
1. Pray before you speak.
Ask God to expose your motives before you expose someone else’s behavior. A surrendered heart changes the conversation before it begins.
2. Choose restoration over vindication.
Don’t enter asking, “How can I prove my point?” Ask, “What outcome would honor Christ and serve this relationship?”
3. Speak truth clearly and graciously.
Grace doesn’t require vagueness. Say what needs to be said without exaggeration, accusation, or unnecessary injury.
4. Listen as carefully as you speak.
You may enter the conversation with something important to say and discover God has something for you to hear.
5. Release the outcome to God.
Faithfulness doesn’t guarantee the response we want.
Do what depends on you, then entrust what doesn’t to Him.
Mindset Reset
Before your next difficult conversation, ask yourself: “Am I entering this conversation to win—or to love well?”
Sometimes love requires silence.
Sometimes love overlooks.
Sometimes love waits for a better moment.
But sometimes love has to speak.
And when it does, we don’t have to choose between courage and compassion.
We can bring both.
A thick skin allows us to enter a conversation knowing we may be misunderstood, criticized, or rejected.
A soft heart keeps us from becoming harsh, defensive, or punitive when we are.
That’s relational courage.
That’s grit and grace.
And that’s what it looks like to love like Jesus when the conversation isn’t easy.
Love doesn’t avoid every hard conversation. It learns how to have one without a hard heart.
Prayer
Father, give me wisdom to know when to speak and when to remain silent. When a hard conversation is necessary, help me examine my heart before I examine someone else’s behavior. Remove pride, fear, resentment, and the need to prove myself right. Give me grit to say what needs to be said and grace to say it with humility and love. Help me listen well, own what belongs to me, and seek restoration rather than vindication. And when I cannot control another person’s response, remind me that I don’t have to. Help me do what depends on me and entrust the rest to You. Keep my skin thick enough to withstand discomfort and my heart soft enough to reflect Jesus through it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Check out the Shame Rx blog post this week: You Are Not Responsible For Everyone’s Response