Last week we talked about having the courage to say the hard thing.
But what happens when we’re on the other side of the conversation?
Someone sits across from us and says: “Can I be honest with you?”
Four words that can make even the most spiritually mature among us want to find the nearest exit.
Suddenly, our heart rate increases. Our defenses rise. And while the other person is still talking, we’re already preparing our response.
That’s not what happened. You misunderstood me. You don’t know the whole story. Well, you do the same thing.
How Do You Handle Criticism?
We might dodge the accusation because we think the criticism impacts our identity.
But when we can separate our personhood from a criticism, we are able to hear the criticism, take what we need to from it, and release what we don’t.
We might panic under the weight of the accusation because we are afraid of our imperfections being discovered.
But we are all imperfect, and finding out where we messed up is such a gift. We then get the opportunity to address it.
We might interpret the criticism as rejection and shrink back from the relationship.
But the fact that someone is willing to discuss it means there is still the prospect of relationship and acceptance. Every relationship needs some hard conversations from time to time.
We might become offended because of the criticism as we focus on ourselves instead of considering the other person’s pain.
Criticism is Not Always Critical
Sometimes the threat is simply someone else’s opinion of us.
And underneath our defensiveness may be a surprisingly vulnerable question: What if they’re right about me?
But beautiful humility can enable us to listen without being defensive.
We don’t have to tear ourselves down or tear the other person down. We can skip the drama and trauma and learn to relate biblically.
When someone says something we don’t want to hear, our first impulse might be to pull back or resist their feedback. No one really wants to be judged, right?
But if we stop and consider that someone is willing to risk saying a hard word, maybe being willing to hear criticism could actually be a blessing. Even if their motivations are less than stellar.
The biblical witness attests to this:
• Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
• Proverbs 9:8: “Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.”
• Psalm 141:5, “Let a righteous man strike me—that is a kindness; let him rebuke me—that is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it, for my prayer will still be against the deeds of evildoers.”
Criticism rarely lands only on our ears. It often lands on our identity.
But there is an enormous difference between being wrong about something and something being wrong with who we are.
When our identity is insecure, correction can feel like condemnation.
But when our identity is secure in Christ, we don’t have to protect ourselves from every uncomfortable observation.
Correction may reveal something that needs to change without changing who we are in Christ. That is freedom.
What If They’re Right?
Proverbs doesn’t tiptoe around the value of correction: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but one who hates correction is stupid.” (Proverbs 12:1, CSB)
Ouch.
Apparently Solomon wasn’t worried about hurting our feelings.
But Scripture consistently presents correction as something wise people learn to receive.
“The one who listens to life-giving rebukes will be at home among the wise. Anyone who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever listens to correction acquires good sense.” (Proverbs 15:31–32, CSB)
Notice the posture of wisdom: It listens.
That doesn’t mean every criticism is accurate.
It doesn’t mean every critic is wise.
And it certainly doesn’t mean every harsh word spoken about us should be absorbed as truth.
But maturity allows us to ask: “Lord, is there anything here You want me to hear?”
Sometimes the answer will be no.
Sometimes it will be partly.
And sometimes God may use words we didn’t particularly enjoy hearing to show us something we desperately needed to see.
Criticism Is Not Automatically Truth
Some criticism comes from wisdom.
Some comes from preference.
Or misunderstanding.
Or from another person’s pain.
Some comes from manipulation.
And some is simply untrue.
Receiving criticism well does not mean believing everything everyone says about us.
Jesus certainly didn’t.
People accused Him falsely, misunderstood His motives, questioned His authority, and assigned motives to Him that were not His.
He didn’t adjust His identity according to every accusation.
Neither should we.
We don’t need thinner skin.
We need greater discernment.
Humility listens. Wisdom discerns. Truth decides what we carry.
That means we can receive someone’s words without immediately agreeing with them.
We can pray over them.
Examine them against Scripture.
Consider the character and wisdom of the person speaking.
Look for patterns.
Invite trusted counsel.
And then receive what is true and release what isn’t.
Criticism isn’t automatically truth.
Correction Isn’t Automatically Rejection
Sometimes we resist correction because somewhere along the way we learned that being corrected meant being rejected.
Maybe mistakes were met with shame.
Maybe disagreement threatened affection.
Maybe approval depended on performance.
So now correction feels dangerous.
But healthy relationships have room for both love and correction.
In fact, Proverbs describes a faithful friend as someone willing to tell us what we need to hear (Proverbs 27:5–6).
Someone can love you deeply and still disagree with you.
They can value you and point out a blind spot.
Someone can be committed to the relationship and say, “This needs to change.”
Correction does not necessarily mean someone is leaving.
Sometimes it means they care enough to stay and pursue something healthier.
Being corrected doesn’t mean you are unloved. Sometimes love is the very reason correction came.
Disagreement Isn’t Automatically Disrespect
This one is especially important in a culture where disagreement can quickly become personal.
Someone can disagree with our interpretation, decision, perspective, parenting, leadership, theology, or approach without dishonoring us.
And we can disagree with them without dishonoring them.
James gives us a simple but difficult relational discipline: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” (James 1:19, CSB)
Quick to listen.
Not quick to defend.
Or quick to explain.
Or quick to counterattack.
Quick to listen.
Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do when receiving criticism is remain quiet long enough to actually hear it.
Listen for the Percentage
I’ve found it helpful not to ask only:
“Is this criticism true?”
Sometimes that’s too binary.
Instead, ask: “Is any part of this true?”
Maybe 100 percent of it isn’t accurate.
But what about 20 percent?
Maybe their interpretation of your motives is wrong, but their description of your impact is worth considering.
Or their delivery was poor, but there’s still something useful underneath it.
Maybe you disagree with their conclusion but recognize a blind spot you hadn’t seen.
We can reject the exaggeration without rejecting the lesson.
Maturity doesn’t require the critic to be completely right before we’re willing to learn something.
Don’t Let Delivery Determine Reception
This may be one of the harder disciplines.
We naturally think: If they had said it differently, I would have listened.
And sometimes delivery truly is inappropriate. Cruelty, humiliation, manipulation, or abusive speech should not be excused in the name of “receiving correction.”
But imperfect people often deliver legitimate concerns imperfectly.
If we require every correction to arrive with perfect timing, flawless wording, and the exact tone we prefer, we may miss something God wants to use.
The question becomes: Can I separate what was said from how it was said long enough to ask God whether there is truth in it?
We can address the delivery later if necessary. But first, we can listen.
Your Identity Doesn’t Have to Go on Trial
This is where the gospel changes everything.
When someone criticizes you, your identity is not suddenly up for reconsideration.
You don’t become less loved by God because someone pointed out a weakness.
Or become less valuable because you made a mistake.
You don’t lose your identity because you discover an area where you need to grow.
In fact, the ability to say “I was wrong” can be evidence of security, not weakness.
We don’t have to defend a perfect version of ourselves because Jesus never asked us to create one.
We’re already known completely.
And we’re already loved.
So we can stop asking: “How do I prove they’re wrong?” and begin asking:
“Lord, is there something here You want to use to make me more like You?”
5 Ways to Receive Criticism Without Crumbling
1. Listen before defending.
Let the person finish. Ask questions if necessary. Understanding what someone is saying does not require agreeing with everything they say.
2. Separate correction from condemnation.
A mistake, weakness, or blind spot is something to address—not an identity to assume.
3. Look for what is true.
Instead of deciding whether the criticism is entirely right or wrong, ask whether there is something within it worth receiving.
4. Discern what belongs to you.
Test criticism against Scripture, prayer, wise counsel, and observable patterns. Receive what is yours. Release what isn’t.
5. Let correction produce growth, not shame.
If God reveals something, don’t waste energy condemning yourself. Repent where necessary, make it right where possible, learn, and keep moving forward.
Mindset Reset
The next time someone says something difficult about you, resist the urge either to defend yourself immediately or to let their words define you.
Instead, ask: “Lord, what—if anything—do You want me to receive from this?”
That little phrase “if anything” matters.
It keeps us humble without making us gullible.
Teachable without becoming insecure.
Softhearted without becoming fragile.
Because relational maturity isn’t never being criticized.
It’s becoming secure enough that criticism doesn’t have to destroy us and humble enough that it can still teach us.
A thick skin can hear criticism without crumbling. A soft heart can consider whether any of it is true..
Prayer
Father, make me teachable. When criticism comes, help me resist the impulse to defend myself or condemn myself. Give me humility to listen, wisdom to discern, and courage to receive whatever is true. Show me the difference between correction and condemnation, disagreement and disrespect, another person’s opinion and Your truth. When I need to change, help me change without shame. When criticism is false, help me release it without bitterness. Keep my identity rooted securely in Christ so I don’t have to fear what others see in me. Give me thick skin that can hear hard things and a soft heart that remains willing to grow. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Check out the Shame Rx blog post this week: Fully Known, Fully Loved.