“My husband loves Westerns (cue eye roll). He still doesn’t understand why Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice are superior to his shoot-’em-up classics. But since I’m trying to be sensitive (see what I did there?), I’ll borrow a Western example.
In True Grit, fourteen-year-old Mattie Ross pursues justice after her father’s murder. Her resolve is fierce, driven by revenge. At one point, she declares, “You must pay for everything in this world, one way or another. There is nothing free except the grace of God.” She would eventually be recognized for her true grit when she faced her own suffering.
We admire grit in people who endure suffering bravely. But grit alone can harden a heart. Revenge may fuel resolve, but it does not heal.
Jesus shows us a different kind of grit—one inseparable from grace.
He endured betrayal, humiliation, and crucifixion. He faced death so those who killed Him would not have to. His strength was not fueled by vengeance but by love. Even as nails pierced His flesh, His heart remained soft. The Bible even says He looked to the joy that His grit and grace would yield—our salvation (Hebrews 12:2).
That is true grit.
We will all face suffering that tests our resilience. The question is not whether we will develop grit—but whether that grit also embodies grace and humility.” —Excerpted from my book, Thick Skin, Soft Heart
To cultivate true grit and grace, our thin skins must be strengthened, and our hard hearts softened. Healing broken places requires more than toughness. It requires grit wrapped in grace.
True Grit Comes from God’s Grace.
And we need both in our relationships—especially when fear enters the picture.
This month, we’re going to look at some of the fears that quietly shape our relationships and discover how grit and grace can help us face them differently.
As much as grit may seem like an unnecessary ingredient in our relationships, we need grit and grace to reflect Christ to this broken world.
Which would you choose in relational conflict? Fight or flight?
Fight.
When relationships get difficult, some of us dig in. We push through. We speak our minds. We refuse to be pushed around.
Flight.
Others of us want to escape the tension. We accommodate. We overlook. We try to keep everyone happy and everything peaceful.
I’m naturally more inclined toward flight. I want to escape—but I also want to learn how to fight in the right way: to fight for peaceful, loving, Christ-honoring relationships.
But beneath both fight and flight there can be something else:
Fright.
Fear. Fear of losing the relationship. Fear of conflict. Fear of rejection. Fear of what someone will think of us. Fear that addressing an offense will weaken a connection we value.
Sometimes fight and flight are simply different ways fear shows up in our relationships.
It could be fear of losing a relationship or having a weaker connection because of a looming offense. It might even be fear of what others think of me.
Neither tendency is necessarily wrong. Our natural impulses can be instructive because they reveal how we respond when relationships feel threatened. But fear doesn’t have to determine our response.
There is another way.
It’s the sweet spot of grit and grace.
Grit without grace gets hard. Grace without grit gets fragile. Healthy relationships require both.
We need enough grit to tell the truth, establish boundaries, endure discomfort, and stay faithful when relationships get difficult.
And we need enough grace to remain compassionate, forgiving, patient, and tender while we do it.
In other words, we need a thick skin and a soft heart.
Jesus Was Full of Grace and Truth
John describes Jesus in a way that captures this balance beautifully:
“The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. We observed his glory, the glory as the one and only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth” (John 1:14, CSB).
Not half grace and half truth. Full of both.
Jesus never compromised truth in order to make people comfortable. But neither did He use truth as a weapon.
- He confronted sin and welcomed sinners.
- He challenged people and showed them compassion.
- He could overturn tables and wash feet.
- He could rebuke His disciples and restore them.
Jesus demonstrates something our relationships desperately need:
Strength and tenderness are not opposites.
We don’t have to choose between being strong and being loving. Christlike love requires both.
Grit Gives Us the Courage to Face What Is Hard
Sometimes we think grit means toughness—the ability to take a hit and keep moving. But relational grit can look different.
Sometimes grit means staying in an uncomfortable conversation instead of walking away. Sometimes grit is precisely what enables someone to leave something destructive.
It means addressing a problem instead of pretending it isn’t there, setting a boundary when saying yes would be easier. It means forgiving again, admitting we were wrong, loving someone who isn’t particularly easy to love, and it may even mean recognizing when wisdom requires distance from an unhealthy or unsafe relationship.
Paul told Timothy:
“You, therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 2:1, CSB).
I love the way Paul puts those words together: Be strong in grace.
Biblical grace isn’t weak.
It takes enormous strength to respond graciously when our flesh wants to retaliate, withdraw, prove a point, or protect itself.
Sometimes the strongest person in the room is the one who refuses to return hurt for hurt.
Grit gives us the courage to do what love requires, even when love requires something difficult.
Grace Keeps Our Strength From Becoming Hardness
But grit alone isn’t enough.
Pain can make us tough.
Disappointment can make us independent.
Betrayal can make us guarded.
Repeated hurt can teach us how to survive.
And eventually, we may pride ourselves on the fact that nobody can hurt us anymore. But that isn’t necessarily strength. Sometimes it’s scar tissue.
There is a kind of toughness that keeps us functioning while quietly closing our hearts.
Grace keeps strength from becoming hardness.
It reminds us that the person standing across from us is someone Christ died for—even when we disagree with them.
Grace helps us tell the truth without trying to wound. It allows us to establish a boundary without becoming bitter.
Grace helps us forgive without pretending something didn’t hurt.
It says: “I can be strong without becoming hard.”
Grace Needs Grit, Too
But there is another side to this.
Sometimes what we call grace is actually fear.
Am I extending grace—or am I avoiding something because I’m afraid? We don’t speak because we’re afraid of conflict. Or we don’t establish a boundary because we’re afraid someone will be upset. We don’t address a problem because we’re afraid the relationship might change. And we keep saying yes because we’re afraid of disappointing someone.
Tolerating unhealthy behavior because confronting it feels unloving is not the grit and grace we are called to. And avoiding everything difficult isn’t grace.
Sometimes love requires courage.
Paul reminds us that love “finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6, CSB).
Grace doesn’t require us to abandon truth. Real grace has enough grit to tell the truth in love.
That is going to matter throughout this month as we talk about some of the conversations we are often afraid to have.
What Are You Afraid Of in Your Relationships?
Fear quietly shapes more relationships than we realize.
Fear of rejection…criticism…conflict…abandonment…disappointing someone…being misunderstood…losing the relationship…being hurt again.
And fear can push us toward either extreme…FIGHT, FLIGHT, FRIGHT.
Some people become harder. Others become more accommodating.
Some attack. Others avoid. Some build walls. Others abandon boundaries.
But Jesus offers another way.
We don’t have to let fear determine how we relate to people.
“There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18, CSB).
When we walk by the Spirit in our relationships, we don’t have to carry the burden of winning, controlling the outcome, or managing another person’s response. Our responsibility is faithfulness. We trust God with the outcome and seek to represent Christ through grace, truth, and love.
That doesn’t mean healthy relationships never feel scary. It means fear doesn’t get to lead them. Christ does.
5 Ways to Cultivate Grit & Grace
1. Let truth and love travel together.
Before speaking, ask not only, “Is this true?” but also, “Am I communicating this in a way that reflects Christ?” Truth without love can wound. Love without truth can enable.
2. Stop making discomfort the enemy.
Not every uncomfortable relationship is unhealthy. Sometimes discomfort is where God teaches us patience, humility, courage, and maturity.
3. Ask what fear is influencing your response.
Before avoiding a conversation—or charging into one—ask, “What am I afraid of right now?” Naming the fear can keep it from controlling you.
4. Practice boundaries without bitterness.
Grace does not require unlimited access. We can forgive someone and still exercise wisdom about the relationship.
5. Stay tender before God.
The goal isn’t merely to become better at handling difficult people. It’s to become more like Jesus while we do.
Mindset Reset
This week, ask yourself:
“Where do I need more grit—and where do I need more grace—in my relationships?”
Maybe God is asking you to speak when you would rather stay silent.
Maybe He’s asking you to listen when you would rather defend yourself.
Or He’s asking you to establish a boundary.
Maybe He’s asking you to lower a wall.
Or He’s asking you to forgive.
Maybe He’s simply asking you to stop letting fear determine how you love.
Whatever it is, we don’t have to choose between strength and tenderness.
Jesus didn’t.
And as His Spirit forms His character in us, neither do we.
Grit without grace gets hard. Grace without grit gets fragile. But grit and grace together give us the courage to love like Jesus.
Prayer
Father, thank You for showing me perfect strength and perfect grace in Jesus. Reveal the places where fear has been shaping the way I relate to others. Give me courage where I have been afraid, wisdom where I need boundaries, humility where I need to listen, and grace where I have been tempted to harden my heart. Teach me to speak truth without using it as a weapon and to extend grace without compromising what is true. Give me a thick skin that is not easily offended and a soft heart that remains tender toward You and others. Help me become strong in Your grace so that even when relationships are difficult, my response looks more like Jesus. In His name, Amen.
Visit the Shame Rx Blog for this week’s post, Shame Off You: Secure Enough to Love Courageously.
All for Jesus,
Denise