We talk about hurt a lot when it comes to shame, but what if the way out is honor?
Our natural response is often “Why should I honor someone who didn’t honor me?” It’s a fair question.
But perhaps we’re asking the wrong one.
What if honor isn’t primarily about what the other person deserves? What if honor is about who we are becoming before God?
Honoring in the face of shaming or hurt sends the enemy packing, and it frees us from establishing a root of bitterness.
Hurt Makes Dishonor Feel Justified
When someone wounds us, something inside us wants to even the scales. We may never openly retaliate, but dishonor has quieter expressions.
We tell the story in a way that makes sure everyone knows who was wrong. We embrace our victimhood like a badge.
But we are not doing ourselves in any favors.
We might begin to speak sarcastically about the person. Or rehearse their failures. We reduce them to the worst thing they’ve done. We withdraw basic kindness.
Or we secretly enjoy hearing that life isn’t going particularly well for them.
After all, they hurt us.
But this is where hurt can quietly become bitterness. The original offense belonged to them. Now the response belongs to us.
If we don’t eradicate the hurt in a biblical way, it will continue to hurt us perpetually, and bitterness will snuff out our joy.
Scripture gives us a surprising command: “Show family affection to one another with brotherly love. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10).
Yes, even when we don’t think they deserve it.
Humility crushes humiliation. And honor crushes shame.
Only a few verses later, it says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” (Romans 12:14).
That’s challenging. Paul isn’t describing relationships in which everyone behaves beautifully.
Romans 12 specifically addresses persecution, evil, enemies, and people with whom peace may not even be possible.
Yet right in the middle of that reality, God’s people are called to live differently.
Honor Doesn’t Mean Pretending
This is where we need an important distinction. Honor does not mean pretending dishonorable behavior is honorable.
Jesus never did that. He confronted hypocrisy. He exposed sin. And He established boundaries…and sometimes walked away.
He did not entrust Himself to everyone (John 2:24). And yet He never allowed another person’s sin to determine His character.
Even when He was being crucified, Jesus did not become like those who were crucifying Him.
Peter describes Him this way: “When he was insulted, he did not insult in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten but entrusted himself to the one who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).
Jesus entrusted justice to the Father. That freed Him from needing to retaliate or harboring hurt. And it can free us too.
Honor Changes What Hurt Produces in Us
Here’s where I think honor can become part of our healing. When someone has hurt us, bitterness wants to keep that person permanently positioned in our minds as the offender.
We stop seeing a person made in God’s image and begin seeing only what they did.
Honor interrupts that process.
Honor says: What you did was wrong, or maybe even something they did not recognize—but I will not dehumanize you because you (or it) hurt me.
I may need boundaries, but I don’t need bitterness.
I may tell the truth about what happened, but I don’t need to destroy your reputation. Trust might take some time to earn again, but maybe I don’t need the other person to behave in a certain way in order to be free. Maybe my acceptance of myself no longer depends on what I hope their acceptance will look like.
I refuse to let hurt occupy my heart. How about you? Honor doesn’t erase the wound. It keeps the wound from reshaping our character.
You Can Honor Someone Without Giving Them Access
Honor and access are not the same thing. If there is a temptation to be hurt in a relationship, we can reframe it and sometimes limit access to ensure we maintain a proper posture in our heart, free from the clutch of bitterness.
You can honor someone from a distance. You can speak respectfully about someone you cannot safely remain close to. Refusing to retaliate while still allowing appropriate consequences leaves the door open and maintains safety.
Biblical honor never requires us to enable sin.
Instead, honor asks: “How can I respond in a way that honors God, regardless of how this person has responded to me?” That changes everything. Because now my behavior isn’t controlled by theirs.
Honor Protects Your Heart
Maybe this is one reason Scripture repeatedly calls God’s people to honor others. Honor isn’t merely something we give. It also guards something within us.
When I refuse to dishonor the person who hurt me, I am refusing to let bitterness recruit my mouth. When I refuse retaliation, I’m refusing to let their sin reproduce itself in me. And when I pray for someone instead of cursing them, I’m placing the wound back into God’s hands.
When I entrust justice and my healing to God, I no longer have to carry the exhausting dependence on others to meet my needs or the responsibility of making sure I am not hurt.
Honor doesn’t excuse what happened. It releases me from becoming like what hurt me. That is healing.
Shame Says / Grace Says
Shame says:
“They dishonored you. You have every right to dishonor them.”
Grace says:
“Their behavior does not get to determine yours. Honor God in the way you respond.”
Perhaps the question isn’t: “Do they deserve my honor?”
Maybe the better question is: “Does God deserve to be honored through my response?”
And the answer to that question is always yes.
💊 Today’s Prescription
Think of someone who has wounded you.
Then ask yourself:
- Can I tell the truth about what happened without tearing this person down?
- Have I reduced this person to what they did to me? (Or my perception of what I think they did?)
- Do I need a boundary—or have I built a wall out of bitterness?
- What would honoring God in my response look like?
Then surrender the person’s reputation, your reputation, and the outcome to God.
You don’t have to call wrong right.
You don’t have to pretend it didn’t hurt.
But you also don’t have to let another person’s dishonor produce dishonor in you.
Prayer
Father, You know exactly how I have been hurt and where I have been dishonored. Help me tell the truth about what happened without allowing bitterness to take root in my heart. Teach me to honor others without excusing sin, to establish boundaries without building walls, and to forgive without pretending trust has not been broken. Guard my words from retaliation and my heart from resentment. Help me entrust justice, my reputation, and the people who have hurt me to You. May their actions never have more influence over who I become than Your Spirit does. Let the way I respond honor You and make me more like Jesus. In His name, Amen.
Today’s Shame Rx
Honor doesn’t mean calling dishonorable behavior honorable. It means refusing to let someone else’s dishonor produce dishonor in you. Honor doesn’t erase the hurt. It keeps the hurt from deciding who you become.
Check out the Seeing Deep blog this week as I share about When Hurt Takes Root.