With a hint of arrogance, the “gentleman” made a less-than-favorable statement about my work without even looking at it. Then he went on to say I was selected for a position because I was a woman and the company I worked for had to meet a quota.
Yes, this really happened. Moments like this will test us, right? The irritation we feel rising in our flesh can quickly become just as prideful as the remark that precipitated it.
Unless…we don’t operate in the same shame culture and choose honor instead.
How do you respond when someone tells you you’re wrong or puts you down? Maybe your defenses immediately go up. Mine sure can. Until I pause and consider that their words don’t have to reflect on me, but they sure are a reflection of them.
We can want to defend ourselves right away…
But you don’t understand … that’s not what I meant … you don’t know the whole story.
As if we have to prove ourselves … but we don’t.
Pride chides us to make sure others don’t have a bad impression of us.
We don’t want them to think we are incompetent.
But who made them the determiner of our worth? Oh…we did.
While we are trying to cover the humiliation, the Holy Spirit sends us an invitation—what can we learn from this interaction?
When our identity feels threatened, we instinctively try to protect it, defend ourselves, explain ourselves, even blame someone else. Scrambling for fig leaves to cover what is deemed as insufficient is flat our stressful.
What if we sought to be teachable, instead? What if being corrected didn’t have to threaten us at all?
When Correction Feels Like Condemnation
Sure, the guy who felt like he had to knock me down a peg or two probably did not have good motives, but I decided to consider whether his critique had any merit. Maybe instead of being offended I could realize that he was actually trying to warn me about something incorrect in my work that I could improve upon.
What was perceived as a competitive slam might have actually been a gesture of trying to help. This is possibly me being overly gracious, but why not choose to think that way? It is a much more encouraging way to think. His motivations are not my concern. But what is my concern is if there is anything I can learn from it.
Fear could keep us from being teachable. Imposter syndrome can make us think that everyone is going to discover we are not as capable as they thought. And when correction carries that much weight, of course we become defensive.
We’re no longer protecting an opinion. We’re protecting our identity. But our identity was never supposed to rest on being right.
Jesus Already Settled the Question of Your Worth
Romans 8:1 gives us extraordinary freedom: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”
No condemnation. That doesn’t mean no correction. In fact, Scripture tells us: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid” (Proverbs 12:1).
Ouch.
Think about the difference. God’s correction flows from relationship, not rejection. He doesn’t correct us because He has decided we’re worthless. He corrects us because we are His. And that means correction doesn’t have to threaten our identity.
Correction says, “There is something here that might need to change.”
Shame says, “There is something fundamentally wrong with who you are.”
Grace teaches us to recognize the difference.
A Teachable Heart Is a Secure Heart
Proverbs repeatedly connects wisdom with our willingness to receive instruction. “The one who listens to life-giving rebukes will be at home among the wise” (Proverbs 15:31).
Notice what Scripture doesn’t say. The wise person never needs correction. Quite the opposite. The wise person is willing to receive it. That’s freeing.
I don’t have to know everything.
I don’t have to get everything right or defend every decision I’ve made.
It is a beautiful moment when I can say: I didn’t know that. You’re right. Thank you for sharing that. I need to think about that. I handled that poorly, and I’m sorry.
Saying “Thank you for telling me” does not diminish us. In fact, it elevates us.
It demonstrates maturity. A teachable heart doesn’t fear being wrong because it knows where its worth comes from.
But Not Every Criticism Is Correct
Being teachable doesn’t mean believing everything someone says about us. That’s not humility. That’s allowing other people to define us.
Some criticism is accurate, and some is partially accurate. Some comes from misunderstanding or is simply wrong. IN the case of that “gentleman” who was not so gentle, he had some truthful feedback about my work but was wrong about his assessment of why I was chosen for a position that he was not.
I don’t have to know or embrace his motivation to accept what is truthful; it is oil on my head and a favor. The Psalmist said, “May the godly strike me in love and correct me! May my head not refuse choice oil! Indeed, my prayer is a witness against their evil deeds” (Psalm 141:5).
We live in a time where rebellion is the norm, and anyone rebuking someone is not taken as a kindness. But notice that the Psalmist is referring to a godly person rebuking (striking) him. He chooses to see it as a kindness and receives it. Then his humble response of a prayer is a witness to those who chastised him.
Jesus experienced false accusations, yet He did not allow those accusations to define Him. That’s why we need discernment along with humility. When criticism comes, instead of immediately accepting or rejecting it, we can bring it before God. and ask, “Lord, is there something here You want me to hear?”
What a freeing prayer.
If there is truth in the criticism, God can use it to make us more like Christ. If there isn’t, we can release it without carrying either offense or shame. We don’t have to receive everything someone says about us. But neither do we have to reject everything simply because it hurts.
Humility listens. Wisdom discerns. Grace decides what to carry.
Pride and Shame Make Unlikely Partners
We usually think pride says: I’m better than everyone else.
But pride can also say: I cannot afford to be wrong.
And shame is often standing right beside it saying: Because if you’re wrong, everyone will discover you’re not enough.
Together they create an exhausting cycle.
What a burden it is to try to keep up appearances. The truth is, we are all a hot mess. But Christ is our sufficiency. He covers our shame and gives us His righteousness.
We don’t have to protect (unless we are obviously in a dangerous position), perform, defend, prove. explain, hide.
What a relief!!!
Jesus offers us freedom from all of it. Our worth doesn’t rise when we’re right. It doesn’t fall when we’re wrong. Our identity rests securely in Christ. And when we really believe that, we become free to learn.
Free to apologize. Free to change our minds. And free to grow and admit what we don’t know.
One of my favorite sayings is, “I don’t know how much I don’t know.”
What Would Happen If You Stopped Defending Yourself?
We cannot control all the naysayers, anyway.
Think about the last time someone corrected you. What happened inside you?
Did you immediately begin preparing a defense? Feel embarrassed? Shut down? Replay the conversation afterward?
Did you become angry with the person who corrected you?
Maybe the most important question isn’t: “Were they right?”
Perhaps the first question should be: “Why did this feel so threatening to me?”
Sometimes our reaction reveals something deeper than the criticism itself.
Maybe we have built our identity around being competent, knowledgeable, talented, respected, being right, or the one with all the answers.
God may lovingly be inviting us to lay that identity down. Because we already have a better one.
We belong to Christ.
💊 Today’s Prescription
The next time correction comes, resist the urge to immediately defend or condemn yourself.
Pause. Then pray: “Lord, show me what is true.”
Ask yourself:
Is there something here I need to learn?
Am I defending myself because my identity feels threatened?
Have I confused making a mistake with being a failure?
Is this correction consistent with Scripture?
What can I receive, and what do I need to release?
If you were wrong, own it. If an apology is needed, give it. And if growth is needed, pursue it.
If the criticism isn’t true, entrust it to God.
But don’t let either pride or shame rob you of the freedom of being teachable.
You don’t have to prove yourself, know everything, or get everything right. Take the pressure off yourself!
You are already known, loved, and already secure in Christ.
Shame Says / Grace Says
Shame says: “If you were wrong, you must be a failure.”
Grace says: “You can be wrong about something without your identity being wrong. Let God use correction to help you grow.”
Prayer
Father, thank You that my identity is secure in Christ and that I do not have to prove my worth by always being right. Show me where pride or shame has made me defensive and give me a heart that is humble, secure, and teachable. Help me listen before defending, discern what is true, receive correction without condemnation, and release criticism that does not belong to me. Give me courage to admit when I am wrong and grace to grow from what You reveal. May I care more about becoming like Jesus than appearing to have it all together. In His name, Amen.
Today’s Shame Rx
Correction may reveal something that needs to change. It does not change who you are in Christ.
Shame off you. You are free to be teachable.
Check out the Seeing Deep blog this week as I share about Finding the Freedom of Humility.